Things in Life Will Hurt You and That’s Okay.

Every generation says of the one after it that they’re weak and lazy and sheltered. …but this actually IS true of the generation after mine. Really, I could go into a room full of twelve-year-olds and take them out with a single peanut. Gluten intolerances aside, the main problem is this: rather than let children…

Suffering is (Usually at the Hands of a) Relative

The most hilarious stories are the ones where adults who supposedly loved us nearly accidentally maimed or killed us as children. I remember laughing hysterically in the backseat when Auntie Laurie took a near-blind left turn on a green and screamed as the oncoming pickup missed T-boning us by seconds. I think she feels slightly more…

Everything You’ve Done Wrong

There’s an expression I would sometimes see on the bus on the way into work, usually worn by a middle-aged woman who’s bundled against the cold. I like to call this expression, “The Unspeakable Horrors of Everyday Life”. The Unspeakable Horrors of Everyday Life is all about digging into the recesses of your brain for…

Don’t Fear the Reaper…He’s Just an Asshole.

My grandparents are all dead now. I hate that word. I have an easier time saying “died” because it’s a softer landing somehow, like the inflatable slide that shoots out of an airplane emergency exit to deposit you. I mean, I think. I don’t know. The only reference I have for that event is “Airplaine!”….

Who Are You and What Do You Want and No You Can’t Have Mine

I didn’t realize I was familially handicapped until fairly recently, when people would look at me pityingly after telling them I’m an Only Child. “Oh…how IS that?” They always seem surprised that I’ve escaped my assigned hospital bed next to the leper. Or they’ll be doting on their balance-challenged offspring, a toddler-sized Jedidiah or Dolores…

Hello Icarus, my old (stupid) friend.

Tracey and her older brother Edward grew up in a quaint two-storey in west Edmonton with a crawl space and an alarmingly high rate of break-ins considering their father was a police officer. My step-father, mother and I would drive up from Calgary once or twice a year, and it was the highlight of my…

State of the Union (Don’t Cry for Me)

I’m 35, single, a relocated Albertan living in Vancouver in a small apartment that rumbles mightily when the 2 roars past my living room, which is also my bedroom and gym and rehearsal space and the only thing I can afford due to pride and habits. Here, I deliver monologues that would make you clutch…

GIVE ME EVERYTHING UNTIL I FIGURE OUT WHAT I WANT.

When my cousin and I were about five (I have no concept of childrens’ ages; they’re all mysterious and manipulative fast things to me, and even I was to myself), we were given oversized rainbow lollipops and parked in an equally oversized recliner, all bowl cuts and pull-on jeans and Care Bear sweaters. As was…

The Good, the Bad and the Jerky

Stuff relationships have taught me: 1. Be honest from the beginning. Even the uncomfortable things. The people who are cool with your weird and your hangups and your persistent childhood issues that result in spontaneous crying (hypothetically speaking *cough*) are the keepers. They’re telling you you’re worth sticking around for, so they will be, too. 2….

Baby You.

I don’t know from miracles. I’m trying out this book that’s supposed to help identify them, and I like to play a little game when I open it up to a random Bible-thin page and glean random wisdom to apply to my life that I claim is random to my more cynical friends, but I…